WORTH AND STRUGGLES (Pt. 1)

HER

I felt heavy in my chest, and my lips vibrated. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and I knew they would pour out in no time. I had to leave. I ran out as fast as I could. I could hear him calling my name behind me.

“Mary!”

I didn’t wait to answer. If I had stayed any longer than I did, I might have said so many things I didn’t want to say – or maybe I secretly wanted to, but I was scared to say. Running away was my best option.

This was the fifth time I had let him do this to me. The first time it happened, I swore it would be last, but it seemed like the more I resolved, the more confident his requests were. I could not say ‘NO’ to him, even though I felt like giving him a hard slap on the face. I was scared. “What if he says he does not love me anymore?… Worst of all, What if he leaves me?” So many other thoughts filled my head, and I could not hold back the tears any longer as they streamed down my face.

I loved him, and I wanted to be with him. I mean, who wouldn’t want to? Jola was the kind of man every woman desired. He was different. He was strikingly handsome in an unconventional way. He always had a smile plastered on his face, and every time he looked at me, that smile turned into a charming smirk. It was heavenly.

“Mary, do you want me to cook for you?'” “Mary would you love to go out for a walk; the evening seems so beautiful?”, “Mary, you do not look so happy. Are you sure everything is okay?”. Tell me, who wouldn’t want to be with a guy that paid so much attention to every detail of her life. With him, I had won the jackpot. It’s only been two months, and all he did was make me feel like a queen – well, until a couple of weeks back when he started asking for more.

I knew it was wrong. Every time I visit Jola, and he begins to make his moves, everything in me screams “WRONG!!!”, but somehow, I ignore all the signals. I always promised myself that it would be the last time, but this was the fifth time already in just fourteen days.

*****

I got to my house, headed straight for my room, and locked the door. The place was quiet when I came in, and I had thought I was alone at home. Not long after, I heard some footsteps outside my room.

“I hope he had not followed me home,” I thought to myself.

I didn’t lock the main gate when I came in. I was scared.

“Mary!”

I let out a deep sigh of relief after recognizing the voice at my door as my mother’s. I did not realize how tense until then. But how did that make things any better? My mother was going to kill me if she realized all that her daughter had been doing.

“Mary!” my mother called out again.

I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I had forgotten she was at my door. I knew I could not talk with her for long. If I did, she would eventually figure that something was wrong with me. It was her superpower. I had to come up with an excuse quickly.

“Mum, I am quite busy with school work. I have a deadline for tomorrow morning”, I replied. This was the only excuse that would get me off the hook for locking the door to my room.

“But I saw you rush in from the taxi that dropped you. You did not even notice your father and me standing at the gate. I hope everything is okay?” she asked.

The fact that I had not noticed mum and dad at the gate was very shocking. Had I been so lost in my thoughts? Well, it made sense to me why I didn’t think to lock the gate; it was open all along. My brain had not even registered that it was there.

“Oh really. I did not notice at all. Everything on my mind was school.” I knew I had to end the conversation. “Mum, can we talk later? I am trying to be fast with my work. I would be coming out as soon as I am done.”

“Okay, dear,” she replied.

I was shocked at the ease with which I lied. When did I learn to lie? Could I blame Jola for the mess my life was turning into? Well, I considered it a beautiful mess. You can easily judge me and call me cheap for sleeping with a man just two months of knowing him. I was not even sure he would marry me, neither could I say with confidence that I was the only woman in his life. I knew it sounded stupid that I still wanted to stay, but the near-bliss I felt with him was much better than the pain I had felt in the past – a pain I was born with.

I could still hear their voices and the comments they made. I could still see their faces – the look of disdain they so tried to cover. I went out of my way to do everything they wanted. I made myself up, wore red lipstick, concealed all the pimples that puberty brought with it. I made sure my skirts were short enough, and my blouse exposed my cleavages well enough. Still, no one noticed me. The next girl was always better.

What else did they want? What else did I have to do to be called ‘beautiful’ also? Maybe if I had not been this short… perhaps, if I had a bigger butt, a thinner waist, a wider hip, or smaller breasts. There were a lot of “maybes” to fix. I often consoled myself that “inner beauty” was more important. Still, it was as though no man noticed my inner beauty either. It seemed like no one cared about that. Well, some boys came around from time to time. I don’t know if to call them boys or the devil in different shapes and forms.

These boys forcefully took advantage of me. The first time it happened, I was nine. I could not have said anything. I did not know what he wanted to do with me until I felt my body reacting in ways I had never known before. The second boy accessed my body when I was only fifteen. I can’t tell who was nicer or gentler – pain is pain. The third happened a few days after my “sweet sixteen”. I guess I had the perfect birthday gift.

I long concluded I was being punished for some sin I had committed in my other life. No girl deserves this much pain. I did not deserve it. But you understand why I could not leave Jola. I was his queen – maybe for a price, but I was still his queen.

With these thoughts, I slept.

*****

I woke up to 6 messages and 10 missed calls from Jola. I told you my man was caring.

“Mary, are you okay?” “Mary, please pick my calls.” “Mary, I am scared.” “Mary, should I come to your house?”

Did I mention Jola freaked out over the little things? That was the sweetest part of him, especially when he was freaking out about my wellbeing. I had to call him at that point. It was just 10:23 pm, and I knew he was very well awake.

“Jola, how are you?” I spoke first.

“Mary, are you okay?” he asked instead.

I knew he was not going to say anything about himself until he was sure I was okay.

“Yes, I am,” I replied.

“You are? You ran out of the house, and before I could come running after you, you had disappeared, and you say you are okay. I don’t believe it. You are not good at this lying game; give me a better excuse.” He retorted.

I was smart to have ordered my taxi while I was still on his bed. I knew he was definitely going to get me if I had waited to order it outside.

“Mary, would you please say something?” he asked. His concern was evident in every word.

Why was I scared to tell him I did not want him to sleep with me any longer? I was sure he loved me. The concern and love in his voice said it all.

“We need to talk,” I replied.

“Is everything okay? Are you angry about something? Did I hurt you? Are we fine?” he didn’t even pause for me to answer. He was nervous.

“Babe, everything is okay, I just need to discuss something vital with you, but everything is okay,” I replied.

“Would you come over to my house?” he asked.

Was he so clueless that he did not even see the problem was his house? I knew if I went there, I would chicken out on having the conversation.

“No, Jola, I would rather we went out to eat or maybe a walk or something outside,” I replied.

“I’ll pick you up in a taxi tomorrow by 4:30 pm. Is that okay with you?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Goodnight, babe,” he said.

I could feel his smile from his words, and it warmed my heart. He was indeed the reward for all my past pain. I could not even reply to him properly. I ended the call and went to bed a pleased woman.

---

HIM

My heart raced. “Why did she run out like that?” I did not understand, neither did I have any clothes on.

“Mary!”

She did not look back.

By the time I was half-dressed, she was gone. Fear became my middle name and worry, my last name. Sweat dripped down my face and rested on my beards as I paced my living room.

What had gone wrong? Did I hurt her? I had so many questions but no one to answer them. I knew some friends I could call, but I also knew them too well to make such a mistake. They would laugh at me. I was not ready to handle the jokes and mockery that would arise from my tales. They were the reason I was in this mess in the first place; they were behind every decision I had made.

I laid down on the bed, and some memories flashed through my mind – ones I could not bring myself to forget. It happened a year ago, right in this very room.

*****

“Guy, do you mean you were with her for one year, did nothing with her, and she still broke up with you?”

“Wait, wait… let me understand properly, she spent your money, and she still broke up with you?”

They laughed hysterically – Bright was rolling on the floor, with tears streaming from his eyes. I wished the ground would open up and swallow me; hell must feel better than here. I tried to defend myself, but Bright interrupted me.

“Guy, you have no point, do not say anything. We warned you. We told you that girls are not trustworthy. You chop and go – that is the rule. You thought you were wiser, right? Doing lover boy. Now you have seen”.

There was no stopping them. John continued from where Bright stopped.

“Don’t blame him. I used to be like him too until my eyes saw red.” He burst into laughter as he joined Bright on the floor.

“But the girl messed up o, fine boy like you that has money again. She does not know what she has missed.” John continued.

“I am telling you, I would have dated Jola if I was a girl.” Bright interjected.

“Ahhh… Bright, I have been suspecting you since. I better move from this floor.” John said as he motioned to leave the floor, but Bright dragged him back.

“How did I even know these guys?” I thought to myself.

It hurt, but laughter, they say, is medicine. So I laughed along, hoping I’d heal. I joined both of them on the floor, laughing about myself for being stupidly in love with a girl who broke my heart. It hurt, but I had to “man up.”

*****

Back in the present, I was unsure of what to do. I did not know whether to give Mary some space or call her – I could never understand woman psychology. I waited until I could wait no longer. I messaged her 6 times, but there was no reply. I called 10 times, there was no answer. I did not know when I drifted to sleep.

I was startled out of my sleep when my phone rang. I took a quick glance, and it was Mary.

She did not wait for me to speak as she tried to cover up. I knew her too well. As we spoke, I wondered if everything was actually okay. Then she said we needed to talk. It was at that moment that I knew for sure that everything was not okay.

For two months, everything was blissful. Then my friends ridiculed me for not asking for more, and I did. She consented. What could be the problem? She said she would tell me when we met the next day. That night, I went to bed a scared man.

To be continued…