A Lady’s Choice: My Best Friend Was Not My Fiancé

My mother always told me that I would get married to one of my friends, but it seemed to me that God had other plans for me. The guy who I finally decided to get married to was not among any of my close friends. I had seen him here and there at the fellowship and the faculty but had never had the chance to talk to him. All I knew was that he usually “enter my eye”, but it happened from afar, and I never thought much about it.

Before I go deep into my story with Jerry, my fiancé, it is good I give a backstory to my community of friends. Everyone around me from high school knew Beejay was my best friend. Our parents had even become family friends because of how close we were. A couple of people even thought we were dating, but we always had to make it clear that we were “just friends”, and that is what we sincerely were. Even though I did not romantically like him, I would not deny that something within me always thought we would end up together, primarily because of what my mother always said. He was a true friend.

Along the line, I met God and committed my life to him. I tried to pull Beejay with me, so he started coming to church also, even though it was solely based on my influence. I always felt a sense of responsibility for Beejay, and bringing him to know God became a vital issue in my heart. However, things started to become complicated when Jerry came into the picture.

I remember the first day I met Jerry like I remember my name. Immediately after church service, he walked up to Beejay and me and asked when we would be interested in joining any unit in the fellowship. He had just been made the assistant general secretary of the fellowship, and he said that he had noticed that we consistently came to church but had never joined any unit. His voice was soft and tender; at that point, I thought, “If the Holy Spirit had a human voice, it would be this guy’s voice.” 

Another factor that made our meeting memorable was that during my quiet time that morning, God had been speaking about joining a unit and getting involved in the fellowship activities. It was like God was speaking to me in his human voice. I was smitten, but I had to stop myself before the thoughts took charge of me quickly. We replied that we would think about it and then get back to him.

On our way home, Beejay told me that he would not be joining any unit in the fellowship as he did not think he was ready for that kind of commitment. But I told him I would join a unit, especially since I sensed God calling me into the prayer department.

In a few days, I got information from the girl who initially invited me to the fellowship about the requirements to join units, and I soon began my workers-in-training class. This class made me start going to and coming from the church by myself twice a week. It was initially a strange feeling having to walk home with sisters other than Beejay. It was during this period I realized how involved Beejay was in my life. He was literally in everything that I was in.

I had never really seen it as a problem because I grew up with it; I never really knew what it meant to have female friends and female conversations. I sincerely enjoyed walking home with the girls; our discussions were so interesting. On Sundays and Wednesdays, I usually walked home alone with Beejay, but I desperately wanted to introduce him to the other girls I had met from fellowship, but I knew that he was too introverted and it might be uncomfortable for him.

One day, after one of the workers-in-training class, Jerry, whom everyone called “Bro Jeremiah”, said he wanted to see me. I was surprised; I had only said hello to him a few times since he encouraged me to join a fellowship unit, so I wondered what he wanted to talk to me about.

Calling me aside, he said he was impressed about my consistency with the workers-in-training class and asked what department I would love to join afterwards. I told him God directed my heart more towards the prayer department. He was shocked because he naturally felt I would want to join the ushering department because of my “beautiful smile.” His implied compliment made me smile more, and he smiled in return and said, “You see what I am saying; you have a very beautiful smile.” 

He went on to ask about my salvation story, my course of study, where I sensed God was taking me to and all. I sat there replying to him honestly, simply because he was a leader in the fellowship. Little did I know that the brother had another agenda. We had a fascinating conversation, and we were unaware of how much time had passed. I knew he was a pleasant young man, but I did not know how lovely he was until we had that conversation.

When we had finished talking, he asked, “What of your friend, Beejay? Why is he not joining this class?” I replied, “He said he is not ready yet.” Jerry nodded with affirmation, but something in me knew that was not the real question he wanted to ask, and I was correct. “Are you guys together?” Jerry asked.

“Like are we dating?” I asked, feigning innocence

“Yes.”

“No, we are not. He is my best friend. He is my closest and longest friend and we have always been following each other everywhere since we were 10,” I replied.

“Ohh.. that is really nice.”

But something in me felt that something was not right with his response. Jerry just lost the calm demeanour that he had all through the conversation. It was as if he had lost his peace. He looked tensed.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yeahh… It is just that I wanted to mention something to you. I hope you take it fine.”

That statement made me worried a bit. I thought something wrong had gone wrong with Beejay. “Is Beejay fine?” I asked innocently.

He looked confused for a bit. “Well… I don’t know. This is not about Beejay.”

“It is about me. I hope you take it well. It is just that I noticed that you have been in my heart for soo long. After much praying and seeking counsel, I believe you are God’s will for my life. I want to start a relationship with you, with the aim of marriage. It is okay if you need much time to pray about it. It is fine. I just wanted to put my intentions out there.”

The whole exciting conversation got awkward so fast. This was not the first time I had been asked out, but the first time that marriage had been proposed to me. I had yet to learn the typical Christian sister response, so I was baffled about my reply. So I awkwardly stood up and left him. I knew that was not the correct response, but that was the best I could give. I was stunned.

I immediately called Beejay to inform him about what had just happened. Instead of an understanding voice, all I heard was laughter. Beejay felt that Jerry had told us to join a unit to get closer to me. I did not think the same. Even though I did not know him much, I felt that Jerry was a complete gentleman and a sincere Christian. To cut a long story short, after a lot of prayers, counsel and talks, I said yes to Jerry after four months. I thought saying yes to Jerry would kick off a wonderful friendship, but I was wrong.

*****

We had been together for two months now. One day, Jerry called and told me we needed to meet up because he had something important to say. I was very excited and met him at the park he mentioned. He ate and laughed and said something significant, “I don’t think we had such a nice time without a Beejay interference.”

“What do you mean by that?” I asked. “Beejay never interferes.”

“Well… Beejay himself does not. But you always bring him or have to call him or get something for him or ask him for help that I can also give you. Sometimes I think I am dating the two of you because I always have to consider Beejay too in our decisions,” Jerry blurted.

I was very shocked at his statement. My mind had adapted to calling Beejay for everything and at every time. I remembered that sometimes, I could be with Jerry and refuse his help because I knew that Beejay would help me. Little did I know how this was hurting Jerry.

“But why did you not say something earlier?” I asked Jerry.

“Because I did not want to be the jealous and nonunderstanding boyfriend. I have really tried to adapt to him in our lives but I tell you, it is very difficult. You tell him everything that you tell me. You ask for his help before you even tell me the problem. When you need a ride, you call him first. When you are broke and hungry, you go to him immediately. I really do not want to be petty. But I want to be your one and only best friend if we are going to make this relationship work. I really cannot go on with an absentee girlfriend.” 

I immediately understood that this was why Jerry had called me out. Due to his personality type, I knew this must have been a problem for him for a long time, but he could talk about it now because he had gotten so fed up.

I knew I was in a fix. I had known Beejay for 12 years, and he had been my best friend for those same years. We had literally grown up together and passed through the good and bad times together. It was hard for me to imagine my life without him. It was harder for me to imagine Beejay’s life without me. I was going to hurt him just like he said when I told him I was sure God wanted me to be with Jerry.

I ignorantly promised him that we would remain best friends all the same. But here I was, having to choose between the “will of God for my life” and my best friend. Even at that moment, I felt like calling Beejay to ask him what he felt about what was happening, and it dawned on me how bad the situation was. Beejay was ingrained in my head and heart.

I apologized to Jerry, and I told him that things would change. I knew I would sabotage God’s will for my life if I were not careful. I needed to be wise.

*****

It’s been two years since Jerry and I have been together now. We plan to get married in the next few months. Beejay is fine, but we hardly talk anymore. Even before he got his girlfriend, we actually reduced the way we talked drastically. After Jerry mentioned his concerns to me, I prayed seriously about it and sorted counsel from my spiritual mentors. I knew that as much as I had decided to marry Jerry, I needed to choose him above every other friend, whether girl or boy.

Jerry had to become my best friend for our marriage to run smoothly. Also, Beejay had to be eradicated from my heart. This was a tough task for the two of us. I could not help but be pained at the thought of losing a close friend. I still felt a strong sense of responsibility towards him that I could not explain. But after explaining everything to him, he understood, and we knew our friendship was not supposed to continue.

ABBA’s Dwelling Question: What are your thoughts about keeping best friends of the opposite gender when in a committed relationship?