Dear future One🎨

Dear future One,

I’m not sure what to call you yet but writing to you gives me a really “hopeful” feeling. I can’t really say why, though, but it does feel good. So hello there!

I really hope you’re doing great and that you are safe, warm, and loved. I’m a little cold because the winter season has been generous with the freeze, but asides from that, I’m doing well. School is fine and living up to its name.

The road trip leading me here has indeed been a journey. There has been a lot of pain, and it seems to be all I see most of the time, so please bear with me. Trust me, it’s been a whole lot of training, hurting, growing, and healing process, and it isn’t over yet. It might be funny, but I think I’m pain-proof right now. It’s not that I don’t hurt or feel anymore, but I cannot let it show easily on the surface. Well, I’m hoping and praying that someday, I’ll be at a place where my thoughts and emotions feel safe enough to be expressed.

When I think of you, I don’t get a face, but I know with certainty that you have been made beautiful on the inside, and it definitely flows out. The perfect bucket list scribbled in our hearts comes and goes as quickly as our tastes change, so I don’t have a list. All I desire is to be is in God’s perfect will. I’ve grown to trust God for depth in me, and even more, I trust He will do that for you too. I’m praying that God keeps you pure and safe and that He builds and prepares you as He is preparing me. I pray that you don’t ever fall out of the way and that you find me because I am waiting. I also pray that in preparing you, He gives you all you need to grow with me and to lead our home into all that has been said concerning it. I hope you think of me and that you pray for me.

To think that you have me at heart is tearing my eyes up a little; it’s really a good feeling to be loved. I hope you pray that I receive grace for my day-to-day living, courage to go through all the phases, and strength to heal and become all that I am to be as written in God’s book concerning me.

I’ve figured that there are a lot of things about me that don’t just add up, and they make me feel a little less than enough. For a lot of my life, I’ve been people-centered. My thoughts and decisions have mostly revolved around how they affected others, with very little thought to how they affect me. Well, I’m currently at a place where I know that I’ve got to put myself first (not before God, though). If I’m ever going to be relevant, I’ve got to understand who I am and who I’m meant to be. If I’m ever going to be what you need, I’ve got to be sure of what I have and develop myself in all areas to be a sturdy pillar for you and the kids. I’m also working on being present in my relationships, I get lost a lot, and I hardly ever say what I feel. I’m praying and hoping you help me see the bright sides to love and life because I tend to be a ‘worse case scenario’ kind of person. I’m praying that you’ll help me stay motivated when I start losing my grip and that with you, I will learn to love fully –a kind of love that comes without fear and emotional scars.

Thinking of family, I pray the Lord already impresses the type of home we are to build upon your heart. I honestly am looking forward to talks around it, but a little heads up: I’m not having more than four kids. If you want more, you will need to be… well… persuasive. I hope we can build a safe space for the kids in our family, where they always feel heard no matter the topic or how terrible they feel. There have been many times when I felt the need for a little more warmth from my parents. Instead, I was either misunderstood and given a warning or lectured on what is and what is not. This is in no way undermining all that was done for me because I turned out fine. But I hope we can work towards something better because I felt a lot of pressure, and I coiled into my shell as a result. I want us to be parents who have expectations of our children. Alongside those expectations, with God’s help, we will also have a plan to get them there whilst giving them room to dream and become their individual persons.

As I bid you farewell for now, I will let you in on a little bit about myself. I’ve always had this thing for making new dishes. One fateful day (I guess I was about seven years old), I wanted to make suya for my family. It was my first try, and I was determined to get it right because, well, why not. So I scraped the base ends of a few broomsticks since I didn’t have the stake that the professionals used. I cleaned them and arranged the peppered meat with a few other fresh vegetables, including raw onions. Everyone was pretty much compelled to eat everything that was on the stick because it was the fruit of my labor, raw onions or not. I probably would have done something food-related as a career, but well, I chose against that.

It’s been beautiful talking to you, and I can’t wait to hear back from you; well, that’s if you ever get to read this. Have a beautiful day, Hun. I pray that the Lord keeps you till I meet you, so we can have a wonderful time together, and then that He keeps us till our work here on earth is done.

With Love, Dze.